YOU ASKED, ABBIE ANSWERED

We asked you to submit love and dating questions via our Instagram Story for ex-Bachie Queen and Vush Ambassador, Abbie Chatfield to answer, and oh boy! you did not disappoint (we knew you wouldn’t!)

From questions about dating long distance (on top of a pandemic!) through to questions about how to stop sleeping with your toxic ex when the sex is just too good, nothing was off limits or too taboo.

Q. How Do I Spice Things Up With My BF Since I Can’t See Him? (Long Distance - 6 Months Apart)
Abbie: Okay, this is obviously a huge issue in long distance relationships, especially during COVID. I’ve been in a few different long distance agreements, some were international, I had a couple domestic - you know, some Perth moments, some Sydney moments and Melbourne moments. I think the most important thing is to have open communication about what you want from each other, particularly sexually.

So, if your partner really likes getting sent nudes at a random time, find that out. Ask them what they like or what they feel will spice things up. What I like to do, is when I’m with someone in person or I;m on the phone to them, I’ll say “Do you like receiving nudes? Do you like videos? What do you like?” It works two ways and then you that they’re enjoying the content they’re receiving so you can say “Do you like nudes at random times? Or do you like videos of me doing this, this, this? Or do you simply like photos? Would you like me to text you and tell you what I would do to you and do with you?”

There are all different ways people will want to receive and give sexual encounters that can be done digitally (a.k.a using your phone) FaceTime is obviously an amazing one - FaceTime sex, phone sex… both very good times, and also there’s less chance of you getting your photos leaked if you’re scared about that.

Ask your partner to be communicative when you aren’t in a state of arousal and figure out what you both want but what you both like, and then go from there!

Q: I always fake an orgasm because I hate making my partner feel like he hasn’t done a good job. Any tips?
Abbie: Number 1 - don’t! Don’t fake it, all you’re doing is perpetuating the cycle of you not having an orgasm. You can tell your partner that you really enjoyed the sex, you really enjoyed sleeping with them and it was a really good time, but tell them that you didn’t orgasm. Then, if they care about your sexual happiness at all, they will ask you how they can make you climax. If you can orgasm by yourself, then what I would do is set it up in a way that you are essentially just doing what you do alone, but with a partner involved. I’ve had moments with people where I can’t seem to make myself come - it’s often because I’m a little bit nervous or if I care what they think, or I get scared they’re getting bored.

So, I will self pleasure with the Empress by Vush and they will just do something additional, even if it’s just kissing my ear or kissing my neck while I orgasm. It makes them feel more involved and eventually they’ll figure out what you specifically like and you’ll figure out what you need, and you’ll be able to verbalise that to them (or show them!)

But definitely don’t fake again. Don’t fake - all you’re doing is making him think he’s doing a really good job and he’s going to do the same thing over and over again. Communicate with them and try things out - you don’t have to be getting penetrated to orgasm, they can just be there assisting.

Q: How Do I Learn To Accept Someone Is Bad For Me, Even If I Love Them?
Abbie: Oh. My. God. If I had the answer to this - actually, I think I do now! I’ve been in some pretty awful relationships where I’ve been with someone I love and they’ve been not great for me. I think the most important thing to remember that the sooner you go through the really sever pain of cutting them off, the sooner you can be happier and move on from them and have a better, more productive life.

I’ve cut off a toxic ex (quite recently actually) and my life has changed so much, my perspective has changed so much. I think when you cut someone off that is bad for you, you can spend all the energy that you spent worrying about them, spending time with them, putting your energy into them and your relationship, and when you cut them off you can spend all that time and energy on you.

I think you kind of need to be selfish for a little while and your whole perspective on life will change. You’ll find this inner happiness that you couldn’t find in your relationship in yourself. It will just blow your mind and change everything.

Q: How Do You Stop Sleeping With Your Toxic Ex When The Sex Is Just SO Good?
Abbie: Oh my god - this is very hard! I did it for four years! I think number 1 - something that I realised, kind of like a light bulb moment for me was when I figured out that my ex and I had amazing sex because it was good sex but also because I craved attention and validation so much from him that whenever he gave me a little (minuscule!) amount of attention which was in the form of sex, I felt like it was the most amazing, satisfying sex.

I think as well, self pleasure more. Spend more time with yourself, make yourself orgasm and kind of think about the cost and the benefit. The cost is you probably leave those sexual encounters feeling less human and less dignified with lower self esteem because you feel like perhaps you’ve let yourself down or you are not worthy enough for this person (which you are) and you shouldn’t feel like you’ve let yourself down. With that said, I understand that feeling like “Damn it! I’ve done it again. I’ve let myself get trapped again.”

Definitely understand there is going to be another person (or multiple people) in your life that will make you enjoy sex as much, if not more than your ex. Sometimes you can begin dating people and straight off the bat, you’re like “This is AMAZING! This is the best sex of my life!" But also, you can teach people how to have sex with you. I think a lot of people who have been in long term relationships have maybe gotten so used to sleeping with that one person and they know what they like. Then, they come out of them and sleep with someone else and think that they are bad in bed. Perhaps you haven’t had the chance to learn from different people, if that’s the case you can explain that to them. As long as you are communicative of your wants and needs - it’s hard to do - but once you’ve learned that skill you are able to have good sex with almost anyone. I think, actually I can guarantee it - I haven’t had bad sex in years because I always communicate what I need and what I want and I don’t fake orgasms (or feelings!) and I communicate with them either before, during and after. Afterwards I’ll be like “Hey, I loved when you did this, but I think we could have done this more.” Or during I’ll be like “Can you do more of this?” Remember, the person you’re having sex with wants you to enjoy it as well, so don’t feel weird about communicating!

When you communicate with a new partner I can almost guarantee the sex will be almost as good as your ex! And remember that what you’re getting from your ex comes from sexual chemistry - you’re getting the dopamine hit, and the anxiety and excitement from sleeping with him, so it actually isn’t the sex that you keep going back for, it’s likely because you’re still seeking validation from him.


Inspired to embrace more self love in your life and relationship? Enjoy 50% OFF your first purchase from sexual wellness brand, Vush now!