Tis The Season (for Nosy Relatives)
The holidays are a time for togetherness, joy, and intrusive questions from aunts you see once a year. Whilst you’re innocently minding your own business, radicalising the kids table with the feminist agenda, and eating your weight in Ferrero Rocher, distant relatives swim like sharks, ready to ask why you’re here without a ring on your finger.
When the family starts asking you why you’re single, here are some pre-prepared answers, so you can get back to focussing on the important things, like daydreaming about what Harry Styles is doing for the holidays, and getting as much potato into your mouth as physically possible.
The Canadian Girlfriend
Remember that one kid who came back after summer break and said they’d hooked up all summer at camp and were definitely in a relationship, but you wouldn’t know them or ever get to meet them because they went to a different school? That’s you now. Congratulations on your imaginary long distance relationship.
The Catfish
Patiently explain that actually, you’ve been talking to a Very Famous actor online all year, but you haven’t been able to FaceTime them because they’re filming High School Musical 4. Don’t break character - we really want them to think you’re being catfished.
The Redirect
If they’re going to ask about your relationship, you can ask about theirs, right? When was the last time Uncle Steve gave you an orgasm? Does he still pretend to like your potato salad? Does that woman he works with still message him at 2am? Does he know about your cigarette stash? Oh, you don’t want to discuss your relationship at the table? Neither do I.
The Tea
Become the talk of the family Christmas and just make it up. Explain the big, dramatic story about how your last break up happened because it turned out they were in a cult, or are now living in a dome in the Californian desert preparing for their trip to Mars. The wilder the better. Make them really regret beginning the conversation.
The Zoom Special
With digital holiday gatherings being the norm in many places around the world this year, it’s never been easier to pretend you didn’t hear the question. Stay really still and they’ll think you’ve frozen. Sorry, not your fault the internet is really bad!
The Ghost of Christmas Present
Literally just pretend they’re there. That’s it. That’s the tip. “They’re right here. Literally standing next to me. Can you not see them?” Maintain the ruse by making sure you leave an empty seat next to you, and piling up a plate with food for them. (Then sneak it into your purse later. You’re welcome.)
The Nunnery
A personal favourite; let them know you’ve chosen a new path in life, one without temptation. Bonus: you can say you’ve made a vow of silence in order to avoid ever having to answer their questions again.
The Other Family
Be the talk of the holidays by looking them dead in the eye and explaining that your partner is with their spouse today. We don’t condone cheating, but we also don’t condone Aunt Jan getting all up in your business uninvited.
The Truth
They really want to know why you’re single? Because you can be happy alone. Tell them you’re the love of your own life. Remind them you’re a whole person, and don’t need another half. Because you are perfect, whole, and complete, just the way you are. Maybe the question should be why they see a relationship as the most important part about you?
The Grinch
Explain that your partner doesn’t believe in holidays. They find no joy in tinsel or home cooked meals or watching someone open a carefully selected gift. They are at home binge watching NCIS and eating beef jerky from the bag. The stuff soulmates are made of.
Of course, we know there are lots of very valid reasons you could be single this silly season. Maybe you’re happier doin’ life solo and jingling your own bells. Maybe you’ve replaced a bad ex with a good vibrator (we love that for you). Maybe you’re a little broken-hearted still and just trying to get through the holidays without texting them in a blaze of eggnog fuelled confidence. Whatever your reason this season, we’ve got your back. Head to Vush now to see what holiday specials we have to help you rock solo around the Christmas tree.
