I’m Not Your Therapist.
I’m trying something new this year. It’s called “not validating men on dating apps”.
I don’t know what it is about my carefully curated Hinge profile that screams “I will fix you” but I seem to be in a pattern of falling in with men who need me to hold their hand through break ups, self esteem problems, and mummy issues.
This is a fairly common problem amongst my friends. Whether it’s dates or mates, the men in our lives lean on us heavily for the emotional support they expect.
It’s a symptom of a patriarchal society, of course. Boys raised believing they weren’t allowed to cry, that feelings were weak, and end up internalising their emotions. Then suddenly they find someone who was raised to talk about their feelings, whose friendships are built on mutual support and listening to the fears and trepidations of the people they love, and they put aaaaall their luggage into my open arms.
No more. I can’t carry it. I won’t.
I am trying to hold people accountable. Sometimes it doesn’t work. I spoke to Matthew* for a week at the beginning of January. I ignored his casual comments about how I was too good for him, his self deprecating jokes that leant a little more towards concern than I wanted to admit, him asking me to confirm multiple times that I really meant the compliments I gave him. Red flags that I chose to ignore because of his jawline. (Don’t @ me, I’m aware.)
On our one week talk-aversary (when you’ve been single as long as I have, you have to celebrate the little wins) Matthew spent 3 hours sending me essay texts about the girl he was still in love with. I remember sitting in bed watching the messages roll in thinking “this can’t possibly be my job to deal with?”
The next morning I politely explained to him that I couldn’t accept crumbs of affection and would not be a consolation prize for him. He just did not understand. Why would you stay up all night talking to me if you don’t like me? Matthew, why would you stay up all night talking to me about another girl and expect me to still be interested?
He got upset. Told me he was pathetic. That he was not worthy of my attention anyway. That he didn’t understand why I’d even started talking to him in the first place. All those red flags I’d been ignoring came and smacked me directly in the face. I told him I would not be emotionally blackmailed into validating him.
!!!!!!!!
Our arms are not homes for broken men.
So this one is for you, Matthew. For wasting my time, for trying to project your issues onto someone you’d spoken to for a total of 8 days, and for deciding that hitting me up a month later asking to “let you know if I ever decided to write a blog about you”. Here you go Matty boy. Hope it’s everything you dreamt.
Do better by the women you encounter. Just because we’re capable of supporting you emotionally, doesn’t mean we’re required to.
*Name absolutely not changed, own your damage Matthew
